I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just blew my weed a kiss
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
