We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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