explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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