fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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