Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
