i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
