Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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