Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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