My first STD was from a foam party
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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