Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
