It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
