just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How external is "for external use only"?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
