We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize