I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
