Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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