her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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