luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
