somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
