did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
