Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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