Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
