i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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