I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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