he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
