It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize