when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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