I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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