I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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