wakey wakey hands off snakey
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
