fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
