Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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