Betty ford says i'm here all night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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