Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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