i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I need moral support for this bender
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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