remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
