What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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