I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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