It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
