i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
