i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
