I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
bring money and cleavage
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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