so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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