turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
