At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
