why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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