I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
