so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
