it wasn't lemon gatorade
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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