I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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