Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
