where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
