If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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