I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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