I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
