FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
