I look better un-naked...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
