You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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