My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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