god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
