I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
