Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
