i think my tv is drunk
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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