My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
