I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
